So Hard

I'm sure most of you have heard, but my mom passed away last Thursday. She was hospitalized Weds afternoon with breathing difficulties and never recovered. I hopped on a plane as soon as I could Thursday, but she could not hold on to wait for me. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I really wanted to say it one more time.

It is so hard being here, and her not being here. I see her in everything. I am trying so hard to be strong for my dad. But it's just hard. No other way to describe it. Things you don't really think about until someone close to you passes overwhelm you every day. Things that you know are good things (like she was able to donate her eyes) are still nearly impossible to fathom when you're thinking about your mommy. My heart and my head are battling for control. Logic and emotion. ARG. I am having a terrible time sleeping. June (my brother's wife) gave me some of her sleeping pills and they help me to at least not dream, or not to remember if I do.

I think that maybe I'm not showing enough faith when I have all of these doubts and questions and pain, then I think back to Jesus' words on the cross "Why have You forsaken me?" Since I'm made in His image, I guess it's ok if I'm feeling a little of the same thing. Again, it's that heart and head battle.

I'm really looking forward to the days when I can blog about trying to get out of a car, or singing karaoke with my young chicks. Hope you understand the gap in blogs, and those that will likely come. Mom's service is Saturday and we are heading home on Monday. Then, back to work and hopefully a small portion of normalcy in my life. Feels like I've been on a roller coaster ride, and I'm ready to PUKE!

Update on my Mom

We got my mom settled into a care facility here in Spokane yesterday. The process was exhausting (and yet I can't sleep). There was a fire at one of the facilities here in the valley and we had a heck of a time finding a bed. My cousin Sandy was a gift from above. He runs an assisted living facility and helped pull some strings to get her into a very nice place, unfortunately it's about 15 miles from the house. This could pose some problems for my dad, but we'll have to cross that bridge later. I don't have emotional strength to worry about that part just yet.

It was a very difficult day. She is very disoriented and talks mainly of going home. This is very hard on my dad. He knows this transition is best for her and for him, but bless his heart, even after all the terrible things she's said and done, he still loves her. We are working with Medicare and his private insurance to get the financial details taken care of as well. This is just another stress for my poor daddy. If she isn't improving, she will lose medicare coverage, and his private insurance doesn't kick in until 90 days. This could end up costing him a chunk of change, but I just don't see an option. I'd say 15K is worth a few more years of life for one or both of them don't you think?

I did get some affirmation from Mom & Dad's friends who see them on a regular basis. They said they had tried to talk to dad, and they knew when I got here "the SH** would hit the fan." They all thanked me for helping him make this difficult decision. That made me feel good. I'm going to make an analogy now, don't judge me, I know they are totally different, it's just an analogy. A few years back one of our dogs got really old and we had to make a similar hard decision (I know, my mom is not a dog, and we're not putting her down, just keep reading). When the day came I sat with her and pet her and just kept thinking maybe she has one more good day left. Maybe I was making this decision a little too hastily. Maybe I wasn't seeing things clearly. But then, she started coughing and had trouble catching her breath, and I knew it was the right thing to do for her. It's like that with this decision. I look at Mom and wonder if maybe she could have handled a facility with a little less care, then something happens that helps me realize this was the best choice at this time. Maybe if we'd all been a little stronger a little sooner a less drastic choice would have worked, but we weren't.

I know this is a long post, I needed a place to express my thoughts and feelings a little. You should try this blogging thing, it is very cathardic. I appreciate all of your support. It means the world to me. Maybe the next post will be something happier. We'll go to a soccer tournament and have more pleasant things to talk about.

Love to all!

Jodi

Gonna need a vacation from my vacation

Got to my folks and things were falling apart. My mom's short term memory is basically gone and she was overdosing on her meds because she didn't remember she was taking them. I did a little online research and sat here for two days and watched her abuse herself, and my dad did not have the strength to resist. So I stepped it. I called poison control and they told me she needed to be hospitalized. I called 911 and had them take her to the hospital. I didn't even really ask my dad, I just did it.

Once there they did some tests and it turns out a fall she took about 2 or 3 weeks ago has given her a compound fracture of one of her vertebra (sp?) no wonder her back hurt. She complains so much, no one really listens anymore. I have convinced my dad that she just can't come home. We have appointments with some nursing facilities in the next few days. I suppose if we don't get her out of the hospital and into the facility by Saturday, I will have to stay and make sure that transition happens.

She is one feisty old broad. I'm not sure whether it's her personality or the meds, but she is not a nice person to be around. I feel awful. She also has lost all sense of modesty. I can tell you, I've seen things this week I never wanted to see.

I wanted this week to be a reprieve from the stress and unhappiness at home, and this is what I got. Pray for me. =(

Need a Vacation!

I am heading out today to visit Mom and Dad. Will be good to get away from the day to day hassles of life, even if I am exchanging them to help other's with their own "hassles of life." One of Jake's friends has generously offered to watch the house and the dogs, so I don't have to worry about any of that (right Jake, no worries?)

I had a great time with the "young chicks" last Saturday. Sang a little "I Will Survive" for the one going through the breakup, and "Leaving on a Jet Plane" cause I like John Denver (I'm not ashamed!) I didn't get to hear the "Lovely Lady Lumps" like I'd hoped, but they did sing "I Like Big Butts!" which was a good substitute. I truly have no idea why these girls like to hang out with me. We go to lunch a couple times a week, and they hunt me down at work to chat. We really have nothing in common. I am a total prude compared with most of them, but they seem to have an unspoken respect for that prudishness. It's a phenomenon...?

I'll give you all the gory details of our trip when we get back, or if I get really bored at Mom & Dad's I'll post from there....