So Hard

I'm sure most of you have heard, but my mom passed away last Thursday. She was hospitalized Weds afternoon with breathing difficulties and never recovered. I hopped on a plane as soon as I could Thursday, but she could not hold on to wait for me. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I really wanted to say it one more time.

It is so hard being here, and her not being here. I see her in everything. I am trying so hard to be strong for my dad. But it's just hard. No other way to describe it. Things you don't really think about until someone close to you passes overwhelm you every day. Things that you know are good things (like she was able to donate her eyes) are still nearly impossible to fathom when you're thinking about your mommy. My heart and my head are battling for control. Logic and emotion. ARG. I am having a terrible time sleeping. June (my brother's wife) gave me some of her sleeping pills and they help me to at least not dream, or not to remember if I do.

I think that maybe I'm not showing enough faith when I have all of these doubts and questions and pain, then I think back to Jesus' words on the cross "Why have You forsaken me?" Since I'm made in His image, I guess it's ok if I'm feeling a little of the same thing. Again, it's that heart and head battle.

I'm really looking forward to the days when I can blog about trying to get out of a car, or singing karaoke with my young chicks. Hope you understand the gap in blogs, and those that will likely come. Mom's service is Saturday and we are heading home on Monday. Then, back to work and hopefully a small portion of normalcy in my life. Feels like I've been on a roller coaster ride, and I'm ready to PUKE!