Letting Go

Megan had an appointment with her kidney doctor this week. They were pretty blunt and open with her this time. They explained that soon she would be booted out of the Children's Hospital system and be an adult, so they wanted to go through her disease, prognosis and life style choices with her directly. They talked pretty clearly about the chance of her needing a transplant someday was very high (maybe sooner than we'd like). She is functioning at 40%, and anything below 30% they start the transplant/dialysis discussions. Her numbers have been fluctuating and they are not really sure why. Maybe they will just keep going up and down, or maybe this is the start of the end. They were also very blunt about her lifestyle choices. She is not allowed any of the typical teenage mistakes. No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking and absolutely no babies. It was so hard to sit and listen to them tell her, that she could never have children (the old fashioned way anyway.) We are back to getting her blood checked every month or two until things either stabilize or get better or worse.

We got in the car after the appointment and I asked how she was feeling. She just looked at me and said, "Scared, really scared." Can't believe I'm saying this, but it was almost easier when she was little and didn't really understand the gravity of her situation. She knew she was sick, she knew I wasn't going to leave her side, so everything must be going to turn out ok. Now she knows, I can't stop things, and really, I can't do much to help her through the tough circumstances of her life, other than stand beside her. It kind of felt like I had to let go of a little part of her, the part that handles this disease and her prognosis is now pretty much in her hands. I still wish I could take it all away for her, but we all see her "shining" example of what a little hardship can do to a person (see www.krisandken.com for the shining reference.)