As you may have noticed from my Facebook status, Megan and I have been contemplating the difference between male and female friendships. As much as we scream for equality, we are fundamentally different on many levels, and this appears to be one of them. I will speak in generalities, knowing that there is always an exception. But, this is what we/I have noticed.
Women need friends, yet it appears much easier for a man to make a friend. I think it is because our definitions of friendship are so different. If a guy says to another, "hey you wanna go shoot some hoops?" they are friends. A woman on the other hand, can go shopping with you, be in your book club or Bible study, work in PTA with you, live on your block...but that doesn't make her your friend. We (I) need a bond that is a little closer than shared experiences. We like to share experiences, but then, we want to know what you thought, even felt, about those experiences. We want to know about your past, what's happening right now and your hopes and dreams for the future. We want to know why you liked or didn't like something. Two guys "friends" can come out of a movie and say "That was great." Two women "friends" need to go to coffee (or better yet dessert) to discuss the plot, the characters, and whether or not the movie was able to move us on an emotional level or make us think deeper or differently about an issue.
So, now to my dilemma (shared with Megan at this point in time). Making the kind of friends who you can trust with more than just shared experiences is hard! I can say from way too much experience, it takes about 2-3 years for women to cultivate friendships. When you move once you have finally made these connections, it really sucks! And, it kind of makes it harder to want to do the work required, take the risks required, put in the time needed, to find a new friend. The only time I have found an exception to this is when I made friends with anothe woman who moved around every 2-4 years just like us, we didn't have time to waste and we both knew it.
Here's another kicker. Because we want, even need these deeper relationships, we tend to surround ourselves with "our" people, blocking out opportunities for new relationships. Why bother putting in the effort with new gal over there, when we have one or two dear, trusted friends already? We don't need a gaggle of friends, just one or two. Too many tend to pull us in too many directions, spread us too thin. Once we have enough, we stop looking, making it all the harder for the new gal to break in, earn your trust and friendship. We will share some of the peripheral experiences with this new gal, but we won't put in the effort to get to know her. To follow my previous example, she can go to the movie with us, but she is not invited to dessert afterward.
But, meanwhile, the guys are going to work with people, playing soccer, skateboarding...making friends. Try talking to one of them (men) about feeling lonely. They just don't get it.
Since we've been here I have volunteered to help with church activities (VBS, youth group fundraising), walked around during the neighborhood garage sale introducing myself, joined a book club, attended church nearly every Sunday. I even hosted a meeting and a youth function at the house. So far...no one wants me to move to the next level, so I am stuck eating dessert alone.
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3 comments:
I'm not sure it's gender-based. Just because a guy is happy saying "Hey, how 'bout them Mariners?" to another guy doesn't make them friends, at least in the sense you're describing.
I think many, if not most, men, want the same kind of friendship you want. Societal norms make it difficult for men to exchange "intimate" thoughts, so they often end up finding their soul mate in their spouse, as I did with Kris.
One of the saddest aspects of rigid social expectations and stereotypes is that they create walls. For some, those walls prevent them from seeing unexpected attributes in a person's makeup; for others, the walls make them afraid to venture outside of their prescribed roles.
Finding deep friendship is very difficult for most us. I've gone long periods without someone I consider a true "friend."
That's why, I think, we cherish them so much when one comes along.
Jodi - I know exactly what you and Megan are saying at least from a women's aspect. I also see Ken's point from the man aspect. Don really only has one friend that he would say is a true friend. He would go and hang out if asked with others but he considers them to be buddies not necessarily friends.
I have a hard time making true friends and I don't even have one that I could consider to be a best friend that knows everything about me. I have many acquaintances people that I see at work but not on the weekends or get invites to their house or they don't come to mine. I know people from sports and Don and I really enjoy them during the season but after the season we don't talk to them until the next one. Not by our choice but it happens with life.
It is a lonely feeling. I think I understand a little about how you guys feel even if I have never moved from place to place. You have joined so many groups and are doing the right thins. A friend will show up when you least expect it and they will have all the same interests and enjoy time together. I know this because it happened when I met you. I miss you and I know that the Arizona people will come around.
I guess my "male" comments are based on Ken, who shows no evidence of needing to connect on an emotional level with anyone; though he does try with me.
At this point, I'd be happy to make friends with just about anyone who was available! Male, female, old, young...
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