A few thoughts on Friendship

As you may have noticed from my Facebook status, Megan and I have been contemplating the difference between male and female friendships. As much as we scream for equality, we are fundamentally different on many levels, and this appears to be one of them. I will speak in generalities, knowing that there is always an exception. But, this is what we/I have noticed.

Women need friends, yet it appears much easier for a man to make a friend. I think it is because our definitions of friendship are so different. If a guy says to another, "hey you wanna go shoot some hoops?" they are friends. A woman on the other hand, can go shopping with you, be in your book club or Bible study, work in PTA with you, live on your block...but that doesn't make her your friend. We (I) need a bond that is a little closer than shared experiences. We like to share experiences, but then, we want to know what you thought, even felt, about those experiences. We want to know about your past, what's happening right now and your hopes and dreams for the future. We want to know why you liked or didn't like something. Two guys "friends" can come out of a movie and say "That was great." Two women "friends" need to go to coffee (or better yet dessert) to discuss the plot, the characters, and whether or not the movie was able to move us on an emotional level or make us think deeper or differently about an issue.

So, now to my dilemma (shared with Megan at this point in time). Making the kind of friends who you can trust with more than just shared experiences is hard! I can say from way too much experience, it takes about 2-3 years for women to cultivate friendships. When you move once you have finally made these connections, it really sucks! And, it kind of makes it harder to want to do the work required, take the risks required, put in the time needed, to find a new friend. The only time I have found an exception to this is when I made friends with anothe woman who moved around every 2-4 years just like us, we didn't have time to waste and we both knew it.

Here's another kicker. Because we want, even need these deeper relationships, we tend to surround ourselves with "our" people, blocking out opportunities for new relationships. Why bother putting in the effort with new gal over there, when we have one or two dear, trusted friends already? We don't need a gaggle of friends, just one or two. Too many tend to pull us in too many directions, spread us too thin. Once we have enough, we stop looking, making it all the harder for the new gal to break in, earn your trust and friendship. We will share some of the peripheral experiences with this new gal, but we won't put in the effort to get to know her. To follow my previous example, she can go to the movie with us, but she is not invited to dessert afterward.

But, meanwhile, the guys are going to work with people, playing soccer, skateboarding...making friends. Try talking to one of them (men) about feeling lonely. They just don't get it.

Since we've been here I have volunteered to help with church activities (VBS, youth group fundraising), walked around during the neighborhood garage sale introducing myself, joined a book club, attended church nearly every Sunday. I even hosted a meeting and a youth function at the house. So far...no one wants me to move to the next level, so I am stuck eating dessert alone.

Good News/Bad News

Two posts in a week, life must be picking up a little...

So,
Bad News: Megan had to have her wisdom teeth pulled
Good News: She's doing fine, and she totally cracked her mom up on the way home from the doctor.

Bad News: Looks like I have to have cataract (sp?) surgery. I don't feel that old, but apparently it is part of the RP eye disease thing.
Good News: They can put in corrective lenses when they do the surgery so I won't have to wear glasses anymore, except maybe to read. I guess I am that old.

Bad News: We are getting foreclosure notices on the house in CA
Good News: We are in the final stages of a short sale and could be done with this in about 30 days!

Bad News: Ken had to fire someone this week. It is hard for him, especially in this economy.
Good News: Got rid of some dead weight, maybe they can pick things up and make their membership and FOS goals.

Bad News: We got Megan's proofs back from the photographer and we can't choose!
Good News: She is so beautiful!

Bad News: Jodi usually sees the bad news in life.
Good News: I'm working on that problem.

A Change in the Seasons

These are some lilies that are growing in our backyard. One of the plants is over 6 feet tall with 4 or 5 blooms. They are beautiful. The weather is getting hotter and talk of an early Monsoon Season is increasing. There is definitely change in the air.

Michael graduated 8th grade. He has braces now. He got home from a school trip to Magic Mountain and said he must have screamed too much because his voice kept cracking. When we moved here I took he and Megan to the doctor for a routine check up. At that time he was about 1/2 inch shorter than her. Last Sunday I noticed him standing next to her, and he was probably an inch taller...then I noticed her 4 inch heals! We had to buy a pair of pants for his graduation ceremony, that was quite an adventure. Waist size Boys 12-14 but that leaves the pants about 2 inches above his ankles. Boys 16-18 fit in length, but leave about 2-3 inches in the waist. So, he is probably about 5'5" and weighs between 95-100. Yeah, he's changing.

I took Megan to get her Senior pictures taken yesterday. How did it happen? I think I will forever have her stuck in my mind as that fragile 7 year old, and now, she is a beautiful, charming, intelligent young woman. She got her SAT scores (1780, not too shabby). She is taking a college anatomy class in preparation for her CNA training next year. She is applying for colleges all over the state. We are actually doing a campus visit in June. Letting go of this one is VERY HARD!

Then there is Jake, stepping boldly into manhood. He had some tough career choices to make. He loves his work with the teens in CA, but our church here was offering a summer internship (and possibly more) as worship leader for our adult services. Music vs. Kids. This has been his big dilemma for some time. I was talking to him yesterday and he said he was pretty sure he was going to stay in CA. He loved working with the kids and really felt like he was making a difference in their lives. He has given the message to the High School group a couple of times, and is right in the middle of planning summer activities and summer camp for them. He said he loves the music, but he is starting to realize it probably will be a life long hobby and not a career. Now, more choices regarding work and schooling to reach the goals he is beginning to set for himself. We are so very proud of him. (If you feel led to help support his ministry let me know and I can get you his contact info.)

There you have it. The tidal wave of change that is the Tuckers.

"Advanced" Technology

If you are under 30, you will probably not understand this blog, but you should read it as it will give you insight into how the rest of the world views your generation.

I think it is possible we are raising a generation that will be totally incapable of communicating verbally. Megan would rather Facebook or text her friends than be with them. She has a boy that she "likes" that will absolutely not speak to her face to face. If he sees her in the hall at school, or at church, he runs the other way. Yet, she is convinced he "likes" her as well. I am baffled. We went out after a school sporting event with a family, Megan, and three other teens her age. One of the boys actually turned his back away from our side of the table just in case someone got the lame idea that he was available for conversation. I did tell one of the other adults it was almost like they were afraid to speak to each other out loud, and Megan was LIVID. How could I embarrass her in front of her friends? Really, her friends? The ones who wouldn't speak to her, who moved their bodies physically so as not to have to even look at her? Her friends? What am I missing?

I refuse to give into this phenomenon. Don't get me wrong, I like Facebook, and I'm ok with texting, but I would much rather be WITH a person, talking face to face. I have decided my children will have the ability to speak, even if it kills them and they hate me in the process. That means verbal words coming from their mouths. Facebook is gone, the cell phone is gone until I have some sort of confirmation that my children understand the importance of human contact. And until I am convinced they can spot RUDE when it is (here is where I was going to say, staring them in the face, but...) turning it's back on them (seems more appropriate.)

These new tools of communication are meant to bring us closer, but not to the point where we cannot or will not see the value in human contact and verbal expression. I think I am finally understanding Ken B.'s feelings regarding the printed newspaper versus the Internet. I just signed up for the Arizona Daily Star! "We must not be assimilated!"

Wildlife

Arizona is a whole new world for us. Mainly we have lived in the northwest, and this is nothing like the northwest. It's not even anything like the dry side of the northwest. So I will share some of our wildlife encounters, I'm sure you'll love them. We'll start out with the nicer things...

We have a yard full of birds. I'm not sure we've ever lived where there appear to be so many species of birds, and no sea gulls to be seen. We've got quail, turtle doves, and my personal favorite are the humming birds. We have one particular humming bird that has found his favorite perch on a branch of a Palo Verde tree right outside our yard. He is there every afternoon. I don't remember ever seeing a hummingbird sit still. I've seen them at feeders and flowers with their wings flapping so fast you can't see them. This one, he likes to rest in the afternoons. The neighbors told us he is the only species of hummingbird that makes a sound. Only the males sing. It is a really high pitched tweet of sorts. Very pretty bird.

A couple of times, we have been sitting on the back patio and spotted a small lizard sunning itself on our back wall. Michael insists that he has seen a "really big lizard" but we have only seen the gecko type. Megan actually saw one, a little too late, and ran over it. Her first road kill. Good memories. I think she actually named it. And she is calling herself the lizard slayer.

But not everything here is fun to see and hear. We have had a scratching sound in the computer room since we moved in. Yep, pack rats. GREAT! So the exterminator came and set traps, so far, 6 pack rats killed. Again, I talked to a neighbor who said, they had killed 12 in the last few months. We have started the monthly extermination service that will hopefully keep the rats, and anything else yucky out of our yard and out of our house!

In the process of dealing with the exterminators told us we should clear some of the brush away from the back fence. Behind us is a "wash" that is basically a association owned slope that can fill with water during the monsoons. There was a lot of dead stuff right along our fence. Ken went out there and moved it all away from the fence about two feet. The neighbor behind, said he didn't really like what we did, could we clean it up. So, yesterday, Ken heads out to clean up some of the brush. He is walking along and hears a weird noise, looks down and he is inches away from stepping on a RATTLESNAKE. He turned and ran back to the safety of our side of the fence. We called the neighbors (I'm sure they are sick of us asking for nature assistance, but what can you do). He came over and said, Yep, that's a rattlesnake (about 3 feet long). He said the fire department would come get it. I called, but in the meantime, Ken lost track of it, so it's still back there. I'm pretty sure we are hiring someone to come clear that brush away. No one from our family is going back there. And, next time Michael wants to go play in the "wash" with his friends, the answer is a definite "NO."

A Moment to Ponder

I am sitting in the airport in Santa Ana (aka, hell) after a busy week training my replacement at....well that place I used to work. Kind of makes one sit and think about things. The first year living here was pretty good. We made a few good friends and life seemed to be ok. Then ALL of those friends moved away, the church we found didn't really seem like home anymore, and I felt terribly alone. I spent the next two years pretty much bitching about everything. I decided we lived in hell and I'd never like it. But slowly it got better. And I didn't even notice because I was so busy telling myself I hated everything. I made new friends, we found a new church, and still, blah, blah, blah...the negativity.

Now, we're gone. This is my last hoorah at...that place I used to work. I realize that despite all the crap, I really did enjoy working there. I feel like I made a big contribution to the company, I met some fantastic people (and a few clunkers) but all in all, it was good. AND I DIDN'T NOTICE.

So for all of you out there in "hell", I apologize for not recognizing how wonderful you are, how much fun I had working and playing with you. I know it now, because I miss it. So the old adage about not knowing what you have until it's gone is Totally True.

New resolution, look for the good things and deal with the bad. I am now anxiously awaiting the Great things that are in store for us in this next chapter. And I'll try to recognize them as great in the moment, instead of in hindsight.

Good vs. Evil

We took the wagon train (aka the car) to Tombstone yesterday. It was a beautiful drive. The kids were arguing over whether the land was burnt, just dead, or in the shadows from clouds. It's still a mystery, but I'm thinking all of the above. Weird sticks growing out of small palm trees, other trees with bark as dark as soot, yet a hint of green on top, dead grass, beautiful "mountains" surrounding us. Fun times.

So, you tell me, Wyatt Earp, good guy or bad. After a day in Tombstone, I'm not really sure. I think it is the quintessential example of the line between good and evil being very narrow. All the western movies and folk lore show him as a lawman bringing peace to a wild town. But, some of the stories in Tombstone say there might have been more to the story. A lust for power, a grudge that needed settled. Were the Claytons ambused at the OK coral, or did the Earps defend themselves. Don't think I've got that one sorted out in my mind yet. But, it was a fun day of gun fights, saloons, and graveyards with stones that read like this "Lester Moore, 4 slugs from a 44, no less, no more." When we got home we rented the movie "Tombstone" to get the Hollywood perspective on the story (always correct I know.) Megan said, that hearing the story 4 or 5 different ways, kind of bored her. But they were all good sports.

I think today, the line is still pretty blurred. We've found that you can find some "evil" people at your local church, and some "good" people at the local bar. It's weird to me, how narrow minded and closed off we can become (myself included.) Our recent experiences have helped me realize, we need to be on the lookout for both (good and evil) no matter where we are. We need to actively search for the good in the world, and all the while, be vigilent to protect ourselves and our families from the evil. Deep, I know.

Enough of all that, and on to VISITORS. My daddy is coming! I'm looking forward to visiting with him and sharing some of the local attractions (mostly cactus) with him. I love having visitors. It is weird that we've had more visitors here, than we did when we lived in CA (minutes from Disneyland with free passes.) But, I'm loving it. We had a party for Ken's staff on Friday. It was so fun getting to know all the people who work with him. They are all on the "good" side from what I could tell. I love when people can just relax and laugh and have fun. Hopefully we were able to accomplish that. You would think that someone who hates to cook and clean as much as I do, would dread having visitors, but I love it! I guess it's because I don't care if I serve Costco food in a less than spotless environment. (Though I'm nothing like the people on "Clean House." Have you seen that show? Gross!)

That's all I have time for today. If I write too much you won't read it anyway. Take care, and start planning your trip now. We're so popular, you might need a reservation. I've got some of you booked already. Dad, Melissa, Bekah, Keyli....who's next?