I have found that one of the biggest struggles that you face when dealing with grief and the loss of someone you love, is the heart vs. head struggle. Even from the night my mom died, my head knew that it was probably best for her as she had been so unhappy, uncomfortable and not herself for so long, but my heart said, "NO, not my mommy! I need her." The issue with donating her eyes was the same. I knew it was a good thing. I knew it was what she would want, but my heart kept rebelling at the thought that she wouldn't need them anymore. And it just goes on. Each new day I face my head is saying one thing, and my heart is still broken and empty and dealing with the fact that she's not coming back. I can't call her, I can't give her a hug, hear her voice, make her laugh. It is almost overwhelming for me. You hear, and think, that it will get easier with time. But, my heart says, "Passing time just adds one more thing that you can't share with her." She would've loved watching Megan in her play. She would be just as mad as I am about Michael's coach sitting him for an entire game with no explanation. She would be sit up straighter with pride every time she heard Jake play. Now all I know, is that she isn't here to share these moments. As one person moves on, it just reminds me that we all need to move on. Again, the finality. She is not coming back. I don't judge others for taking steps forward, I admire the ability. Maybe because we were so far away, and yet her and I were so close. I didn't get to say my good-byes to each of these little moments when others were. They probably were thinking I was so uncaring and callous for not realizing these were good-byes. I just kept holding on, as I still am. Pray for help in keeping memories of happy times. Pray that I can release my unhealthy need to hold her to this world.
I think my head needs to win this battle. I feel like my heart won't let it.
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Jodi, my mom's been gone 7 years now and not a day goes by that something doesn't happen, a song on the radio, seeing someone, something, that makes me reach for the phone to call her and tell her. Then I stop, my eyes well up and I bite my lip because in that instant I realize I can't share anything in person. I do believe she's always with me, in my heart, and her spirit is sharing those moments. I know exactly how you feel about wishing she was still here even though she was so ill; my mom struggled with a brain tumor the last 2 years of her life that changed her completely. Yes, I wish every day that she was here with me. And, with all the wildlife in the back yard, I really wish my dad was here to see them...although the elk yesterday would have probably ended up hanging in the shop!
Yes, the loss is huge, and whoever says "just get over it" is full of you-know-what. We all heal in our own ways and in our own times. Our hearts can't read a clock or calendar. Hang in there. Guess what...you're NORMAL!
Love you,
Lyn
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