Went to the movies last night with a friend from church. It was really cute. A definite, feel good and think less kind of movie. I probably would've enjoyed the play better than the movie, maybe we'll put that on the "To Do" list. If you enjoy a light hearted musical, I would recommend. Pierce Brosnen very brave actor, and not that great a singer. Maybe he should've had a singing double like Audrey Hepburn did in My Fair Lady.
Ken and kids come home tonight, then big soccer tourney this weekend. This tournament is sponsored by our club, so that means we will be watching games and volunteering. I signed Ken up for the hard stuff. I'll fold programs or something easy. Will be good to be around people again. Michael is people, I know, he's just 13, which borders very closely on alien.
I tried the "light" thing, but unfortunately that is not where I am right now, sorry. I started thinking the other day about the almost painful, physical yearning I have had the past 6 months or so to "go home." I think my body, spirit, soul, something knew I needed to spend some quality time with mom. Now I am overwhelmed with "why didn't I just listen to my gut, and go." Having that pull in two directions is really difficult, and inevitably someone will lose. There are all the other issues that come along with the grieving process, and then added family issues, and it just seems so incredibly hard. I think if I just had one thing to deal with I could handle it, but this is just too much. I know (in my head) that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I'm starting to wonder if He is over estimating me.
Enough pouring my heart out. I'll be fine. Time heals....that's what they say right?
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Went Light, and No Comments?
So, I know it wasn't hysterical, but I thought the previous post was at least worth an "atta boy" comment for effort.
Ken and the older kids are all gone to houseboats this week. Michael and I are a little lonely. More me than Mike I'm sure. He tries, but he isn't the best company in the world. A lot of fart jokes and "watch this." We did bond over "WipeOut" last night. Even though it was a repeat, we laughed. Uncle Ken, did you watch? Think you could handle the Big Balls....when you were younger? Aunt Kris, did you agree with the Next Food Network Star winner? Megan and I were both disappointed. Funny guy totally should have won.
Jake went on and on about how much fun they were going to have at houseboats. Enough so, that I had to say, well, "Enough." So last night when I was talking to Ken I told him to tell Jake I was having so much fun watching Big Brother that I erased it accidentally. Revenge is so sweet.
Well, I will not post again until a comment appears......maybe.
Ken and the older kids are all gone to houseboats this week. Michael and I are a little lonely. More me than Mike I'm sure. He tries, but he isn't the best company in the world. A lot of fart jokes and "watch this." We did bond over "WipeOut" last night. Even though it was a repeat, we laughed. Uncle Ken, did you watch? Think you could handle the Big Balls....when you were younger? Aunt Kris, did you agree with the Next Food Network Star winner? Megan and I were both disappointed. Funny guy totally should have won.
Jake went on and on about how much fun they were going to have at houseboats. Enough so, that I had to say, well, "Enough." So last night when I was talking to Ken I told him to tell Jake I was having so much fun watching Big Brother that I erased it accidentally. Revenge is so sweet.
Well, I will not post again until a comment appears......maybe.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Feeling Pressure to Lighten Up
So, I've been told my blogs have been a little depressing....sorry, I'm a little depressed. But, I understand my role of "class clown" so I will try to share a funny story so that you'll know I'll be ok.
Today I was watching some stupid Lifetime Movie with Megan, just veggin' when an infomercial came on, with that one guy, you know the OxiClean screamer. I don't know why, but Megan and I are both infomercial fans, so we watched with excitement the latest in houseware technology. It was for this glue like stuff that you can use on clothes. It's not glue, but a stretchable organic substance....something like that. We watched in awe as he "sewed/glued" pockets on pants, hems on a skirt, the upholstery on his car! It was amazing. And yes, it holds up in the wash. Then for some reason I decided I needed to express my amazement at this particular product, but I sometimes forget how loud I can be. Apparently I screamed "Sweet, I need that!" at the top of my lungs. Megan looked at me like I was crazy, Ken came running down the stairs asking what was the matter, the neighbor called and asked if we heard that weird noise (ok, so I made up the last one.)
After our afternoon bonding, we went to one of the local restaurants where I have made friends with one of the waiters. It was his last day, so I wanted to wish him well. He is about 24, and cute as a button. I am trying to set him up with one of the young chicks from work because he's just so cute. I asked to be seated in his area, and the hostess said his section was full. Again, not really considering what I was saying I said, "He wants me." REALLY, think before you open your mouth Jodi. When we got at the table Megan said in her best mom impersonation, "Sweet, I need that!"
To add a little bit of sentimentality to this blog I'll tell you that while we were at Wal-Mart I ran into one of their lovely greeters with a big name tag that said....."JODELL" really! I told her I had never seen anyone before who had my name. Is it a coincidence that I run into someone who has a name that came to my mother in a dream? I think not. Maybe her little way of telling me she still close by.
Today I was watching some stupid Lifetime Movie with Megan, just veggin' when an infomercial came on, with that one guy, you know the OxiClean screamer. I don't know why, but Megan and I are both infomercial fans, so we watched with excitement the latest in houseware technology. It was for this glue like stuff that you can use on clothes. It's not glue, but a stretchable organic substance....something like that. We watched in awe as he "sewed/glued" pockets on pants, hems on a skirt, the upholstery on his car! It was amazing. And yes, it holds up in the wash. Then for some reason I decided I needed to express my amazement at this particular product, but I sometimes forget how loud I can be. Apparently I screamed "Sweet, I need that!" at the top of my lungs. Megan looked at me like I was crazy, Ken came running down the stairs asking what was the matter, the neighbor called and asked if we heard that weird noise (ok, so I made up the last one.)
After our afternoon bonding, we went to one of the local restaurants where I have made friends with one of the waiters. It was his last day, so I wanted to wish him well. He is about 24, and cute as a button. I am trying to set him up with one of the young chicks from work because he's just so cute. I asked to be seated in his area, and the hostess said his section was full. Again, not really considering what I was saying I said, "He wants me." REALLY, think before you open your mouth Jodi. When we got at the table Megan said in her best mom impersonation, "Sweet, I need that!"
To add a little bit of sentimentality to this blog I'll tell you that while we were at Wal-Mart I ran into one of their lovely greeters with a big name tag that said....."JODELL" really! I told her I had never seen anyone before who had my name. Is it a coincidence that I run into someone who has a name that came to my mother in a dream? I think not. Maybe her little way of telling me she still close by.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
So Hard
I'm sure most of you have heard, but my mom passed away last Thursday. She was hospitalized Weds afternoon with breathing difficulties and never recovered. I hopped on a plane as soon as I could Thursday, but she could not hold on to wait for me. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I really wanted to say it one more time.
It is so hard being here, and her not being here. I see her in everything. I am trying so hard to be strong for my dad. But it's just hard. No other way to describe it. Things you don't really think about until someone close to you passes overwhelm you every day. Things that you know are good things (like she was able to donate her eyes) are still nearly impossible to fathom when you're thinking about your mommy. My heart and my head are battling for control. Logic and emotion. ARG. I am having a terrible time sleeping. June (my brother's wife) gave me some of her sleeping pills and they help me to at least not dream, or not to remember if I do.
I think that maybe I'm not showing enough faith when I have all of these doubts and questions and pain, then I think back to Jesus' words on the cross "Why have You forsaken me?" Since I'm made in His image, I guess it's ok if I'm feeling a little of the same thing. Again, it's that heart and head battle.
I'm really looking forward to the days when I can blog about trying to get out of a car, or singing karaoke with my young chicks. Hope you understand the gap in blogs, and those that will likely come. Mom's service is Saturday and we are heading home on Monday. Then, back to work and hopefully a small portion of normalcy in my life. Feels like I've been on a roller coaster ride, and I'm ready to PUKE!
It is so hard being here, and her not being here. I see her in everything. I am trying so hard to be strong for my dad. But it's just hard. No other way to describe it. Things you don't really think about until someone close to you passes overwhelm you every day. Things that you know are good things (like she was able to donate her eyes) are still nearly impossible to fathom when you're thinking about your mommy. My heart and my head are battling for control. Logic and emotion. ARG. I am having a terrible time sleeping. June (my brother's wife) gave me some of her sleeping pills and they help me to at least not dream, or not to remember if I do.
I think that maybe I'm not showing enough faith when I have all of these doubts and questions and pain, then I think back to Jesus' words on the cross "Why have You forsaken me?" Since I'm made in His image, I guess it's ok if I'm feeling a little of the same thing. Again, it's that heart and head battle.
I'm really looking forward to the days when I can blog about trying to get out of a car, or singing karaoke with my young chicks. Hope you understand the gap in blogs, and those that will likely come. Mom's service is Saturday and we are heading home on Monday. Then, back to work and hopefully a small portion of normalcy in my life. Feels like I've been on a roller coaster ride, and I'm ready to PUKE!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Update on my Mom
We got my mom settled into a care facility here in Spokane yesterday. The process was exhausting (and yet I can't sleep). There was a fire at one of the facilities here in the valley and we had a heck of a time finding a bed. My cousin Sandy was a gift from above. He runs an assisted living facility and helped pull some strings to get her into a very nice place, unfortunately it's about 15 miles from the house. This could pose some problems for my dad, but we'll have to cross that bridge later. I don't have emotional strength to worry about that part just yet.
It was a very difficult day. She is very disoriented and talks mainly of going home. This is very hard on my dad. He knows this transition is best for her and for him, but bless his heart, even after all the terrible things she's said and done, he still loves her. We are working with Medicare and his private insurance to get the financial details taken care of as well. This is just another stress for my poor daddy. If she isn't improving, she will lose medicare coverage, and his private insurance doesn't kick in until 90 days. This could end up costing him a chunk of change, but I just don't see an option. I'd say 15K is worth a few more years of life for one or both of them don't you think?
I did get some affirmation from Mom & Dad's friends who see them on a regular basis. They said they had tried to talk to dad, and they knew when I got here "the SH** would hit the fan." They all thanked me for helping him make this difficult decision. That made me feel good. I'm going to make an analogy now, don't judge me, I know they are totally different, it's just an analogy. A few years back one of our dogs got really old and we had to make a similar hard decision (I know, my mom is not a dog, and we're not putting her down, just keep reading). When the day came I sat with her and pet her and just kept thinking maybe she has one more good day left. Maybe I was making this decision a little too hastily. Maybe I wasn't seeing things clearly. But then, she started coughing and had trouble catching her breath, and I knew it was the right thing to do for her. It's like that with this decision. I look at Mom and wonder if maybe she could have handled a facility with a little less care, then something happens that helps me realize this was the best choice at this time. Maybe if we'd all been a little stronger a little sooner a less drastic choice would have worked, but we weren't.
I know this is a long post, I needed a place to express my thoughts and feelings a little. You should try this blogging thing, it is very cathardic. I appreciate all of your support. It means the world to me. Maybe the next post will be something happier. We'll go to a soccer tournament and have more pleasant things to talk about.
Love to all!
Jodi
It was a very difficult day. She is very disoriented and talks mainly of going home. This is very hard on my dad. He knows this transition is best for her and for him, but bless his heart, even after all the terrible things she's said and done, he still loves her. We are working with Medicare and his private insurance to get the financial details taken care of as well. This is just another stress for my poor daddy. If she isn't improving, she will lose medicare coverage, and his private insurance doesn't kick in until 90 days. This could end up costing him a chunk of change, but I just don't see an option. I'd say 15K is worth a few more years of life for one or both of them don't you think?
I did get some affirmation from Mom & Dad's friends who see them on a regular basis. They said they had tried to talk to dad, and they knew when I got here "the SH** would hit the fan." They all thanked me for helping him make this difficult decision. That made me feel good. I'm going to make an analogy now, don't judge me, I know they are totally different, it's just an analogy. A few years back one of our dogs got really old and we had to make a similar hard decision (I know, my mom is not a dog, and we're not putting her down, just keep reading). When the day came I sat with her and pet her and just kept thinking maybe she has one more good day left. Maybe I was making this decision a little too hastily. Maybe I wasn't seeing things clearly. But then, she started coughing and had trouble catching her breath, and I knew it was the right thing to do for her. It's like that with this decision. I look at Mom and wonder if maybe she could have handled a facility with a little less care, then something happens that helps me realize this was the best choice at this time. Maybe if we'd all been a little stronger a little sooner a less drastic choice would have worked, but we weren't.
I know this is a long post, I needed a place to express my thoughts and feelings a little. You should try this blogging thing, it is very cathardic. I appreciate all of your support. It means the world to me. Maybe the next post will be something happier. We'll go to a soccer tournament and have more pleasant things to talk about.
Love to all!
Jodi
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Gonna need a vacation from my vacation
Got to my folks and things were falling apart. My mom's short term memory is basically gone and she was overdosing on her meds because she didn't remember she was taking them. I did a little online research and sat here for two days and watched her abuse herself, and my dad did not have the strength to resist. So I stepped it. I called poison control and they told me she needed to be hospitalized. I called 911 and had them take her to the hospital. I didn't even really ask my dad, I just did it.
Once there they did some tests and it turns out a fall she took about 2 or 3 weeks ago has given her a compound fracture of one of her vertebra (sp?) no wonder her back hurt. She complains so much, no one really listens anymore. I have convinced my dad that she just can't come home. We have appointments with some nursing facilities in the next few days. I suppose if we don't get her out of the hospital and into the facility by Saturday, I will have to stay and make sure that transition happens.
She is one feisty old broad. I'm not sure whether it's her personality or the meds, but she is not a nice person to be around. I feel awful. She also has lost all sense of modesty. I can tell you, I've seen things this week I never wanted to see.
I wanted this week to be a reprieve from the stress and unhappiness at home, and this is what I got. Pray for me. =(
Once there they did some tests and it turns out a fall she took about 2 or 3 weeks ago has given her a compound fracture of one of her vertebra (sp?) no wonder her back hurt. She complains so much, no one really listens anymore. I have convinced my dad that she just can't come home. We have appointments with some nursing facilities in the next few days. I suppose if we don't get her out of the hospital and into the facility by Saturday, I will have to stay and make sure that transition happens.
She is one feisty old broad. I'm not sure whether it's her personality or the meds, but she is not a nice person to be around. I feel awful. She also has lost all sense of modesty. I can tell you, I've seen things this week I never wanted to see.
I wanted this week to be a reprieve from the stress and unhappiness at home, and this is what I got. Pray for me. =(
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Need a Vacation!
I am heading out today to visit Mom and Dad. Will be good to get away from the day to day hassles of life, even if I am exchanging them to help other's with their own "hassles of life." One of Jake's friends has generously offered to watch the house and the dogs, so I don't have to worry about any of that (right Jake, no worries?)
I had a great time with the "young chicks" last Saturday. Sang a little "I Will Survive" for the one going through the breakup, and "Leaving on a Jet Plane" cause I like John Denver (I'm not ashamed!) I didn't get to hear the "Lovely Lady Lumps" like I'd hoped, but they did sing "I Like Big Butts!" which was a good substitute. I truly have no idea why these girls like to hang out with me. We go to lunch a couple times a week, and they hunt me down at work to chat. We really have nothing in common. I am a total prude compared with most of them, but they seem to have an unspoken respect for that prudishness. It's a phenomenon...?
I'll give you all the gory details of our trip when we get back, or if I get really bored at Mom & Dad's I'll post from there....
I had a great time with the "young chicks" last Saturday. Sang a little "I Will Survive" for the one going through the breakup, and "Leaving on a Jet Plane" cause I like John Denver (I'm not ashamed!) I didn't get to hear the "Lovely Lady Lumps" like I'd hoped, but they did sing "I Like Big Butts!" which was a good substitute. I truly have no idea why these girls like to hang out with me. We go to lunch a couple times a week, and they hunt me down at work to chat. We really have nothing in common. I am a total prude compared with most of them, but they seem to have an unspoken respect for that prudishness. It's a phenomenon...?
I'll give you all the gory details of our trip when we get back, or if I get really bored at Mom & Dad's I'll post from there....
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